Transformers Meet Soap Operas
by TehMarishal
Summary: What happens when Optimus, Bulkhead, Prowl, Ratchet and Bumblebee see their first soap opera? Oneshot, co-auhtored by HK47FAN. Please R


_A/N This story was co-authored by HK47FAN. Please R&R_

It was was almost 2:00 in the afternoon, Eastern/Standard Earth time. All of the Autobots were in the social room, seated in front of the television, prepared to examine a part of human culture that they'd heard about, but hadn't seen for themselves yet.

They were about to watch their very first soap opera.

Bumblebee and Prowl were seated on the sofa, since they were the only ones out of all the robots who were small enough to fit on it. Bulkhead sat in his own makeshift chair, and Optimus simply sat on the floor. Ratchet was in the room as well, but he seemed content to occupy himself with other, minor tasks while glancing over at the TV every so often.

"I'm so glad Dr. Sumdac let us have this huge, bigscreen TV!" Bumblebee said with his usual, youthful enthusiasm.

"Yeah, and soon we'll find out what exactly a 'soap opera' is like," Bulkhead said, sipping from a can of oil through a huge straw.

"And it may give us some insight into human culture," Optimus commented.

"It ought to, I've heard these things are pretty popular!" Bumblebee exclaimed, practically bouncing where he sat, rocking the couch a little. "Have you seen how many humans talk about these and read about them?"

"Of course, if Bumblebee can refrain from talking during the show, we may learn something about them," Prowl murmured, his tone a quiet mixture of amusement and annoyance.

"Hey, I already promised to be quiet!" Bumblebee said indignantly. "No talking except during commercials! I swear!"

"I'll believe it when I see it," Prowl muttered.

"Shhh!" Ratchet said, getting everyone's attention. "Looks like it's about to start."

Everyone fell silent and turned their full attention to the TV. Prowl looked slightly relieved, although that may have also been because Bumblebee was no longer shaking the sofa with his bouncing; the yellow robot was now sitting still, just like the rest of them.

_The theme song began on the show, starting with a purple view of the town, as a singer was heard singing a soft melody. The song went fast but slow at the same time, and the end of the opening these lyrics were sung: "You are the fire burning inside of me, you are my passion for life!"_

_A woman with long black hair, a Hispanic woman, is seen standing in a bedroom inside a large mansion. The woman looks worn and tears stream down her face._

_"Ethan, after all these years, you have to believe me...I didn't sell your true paternity to the tabloids! It was all Gwen and her mother, they set me up....please, we're meant to be...." the woman choked to the man._

_Ethan Crane shook his head. "Theresa, I'm sorry, but I can't believe you...I just can't...I need proof, and you've never brought me any......" he said to her._

_"Yeah so just go away!" Gwen Hotchkiss hissed._

_"No, but Ethan, they destroyed the proof....look into your HEART....you know what I'm saying is true...oh you know it, we're soul mates, you're my Romeo!!!!!!!!!!! I would never do anything to hurt you!" Theresa Lopez Fitzgerald yelled._

_Ethan is silent for a moment. "I believe you...." he slowly said._

_Theresa's jaw drops, and the screen fades to black...a commercial soon comes on, saying "Tune into Days of Our Lives this week: EJ feels pregnant Nicole's belly and doesn't notice its rubber! How long can she pull off this scheme?!" before going onto regular commercials...._

As the regular commercials commenced, Bulkhead was the first to speak. "So… what was that about?" He clearly didn't get what he just saw.

"We will probably learn more once we see more of the show," Prowl said. "Perhaps we should all just be silent and watch."

"Hey we agreed I could talk during commercials!" Bumblebee said. "And I think that, well… those humans have got some problems!"

"What kind of problems?" Bulkhead asked, and sipped more oil through his straw.

"Well you heard what they said! Something about… paternity or something?" Bumblebee said.

"You probably don't even know what 'paternity' means," Ratchet said.

"I'm not even sure what a 'tabloid' is," Optimus remarked.

"Kinda makes me wish Sari was here," Bulkhead said, scratching his head a little. "She's always good at explaining some of this Earth stuff to us."

"I've got it covered—I'm making a list!" Bumblebee said, and began scribbling notes in Cybertronian in a notebook that was small for him, but large for human standards. "So we can ask her when we see her!"

"Shush, the show is coming back on," Ratchet told the others.

_"YOU....YOU...*BELIEVE* ME?!" Theresa yelled in joy as tears flowed and she slowly approached Ethan._

_"Yes...yes.....you've been so persistent, it has to mean....something......" Ethan said slowly, as he also walks towards Theresa._

_"WAIT?! ETHAN?! WHAT?! You can't believe her! I'm your wife!" Gwen exclaimed, looking at them both in anger and shock._

_"Theresa has been pushing this for years, Gwen, she may not be lying after all....I'm not so sure if you're as true to yourself and me as I thought you were, or if you were my true love...I do love you and don't want to hurt you, but...Theresa and I are meant to be....." Ethan explained to Gwen._

_"Oh...Ethan...." Theresa emotionally said with a smile "Finally, after all this time...oh finally....."_

_Suddenly, however, Ethan falls to the ground, motionless, and Theresa gasps, and she has a horrified look on her face when she sees Gwen holding a frying pan!_

As another set of commercials came into play, the Autobots once again spoke amongst themselves about what they just saw.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt," Bumblebee remarked.

Optimus was still staring at the screen, with a weirded-out expression on his face. "Hitting someone with a frying pan is no way to settle a dispute," he commented.

"So let me get this straight," Bulkhead said, setting his now-empty can down on the floor beside him, and gesturing with his huge hands as he talked. "They are fighting about something that has to do with something called 'paternity' and 'tabloid', Ethan believes Theresa, Theresa is happy, and then that other lady hits Ethan because he took her side?" His tone, and his expression, both showed he did not understand a single thing he just saw.

"I think this is what humans call 'drama'," Prowl interjected.

"What's that?" Bumblebee asked him.

"I believe drama is when something happens between two or more humans that results in emotional outbursts and antagonism," the ninja replied.

"Well I hope this show starts to get a little less 'drama' then," Ratchet said. "These humans we've been seeing on the screen are beginning to give me a processor ache."

Just then, the show came back on.

_Theresa looked on in horror and shock at Gwen. "GWEN?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! YOU JUST KNOCKED OUT ETHAN!" she yelled as she looked down at her unconscious soulmate._

_"Oh don't point out the obvious, Theresa...I love Ethan and had to do it, I'm not going to let you brainwash him and ruin our happiness!" Gwen snapped as she twirls the frying pan around._

_"I'm not doing that, he was finally seeing the truth, about the schemer you really are...listen, Gwen, I hate you but didn't do this just to hurt you, I wish you could be alright, but since you decided to interfere by setting me up and now knocking Ethan unconscious...." Theresa told Gwen as she went to see if Ethan was alright._

_"BACK AWAY!" Gwen angrily screamed._

_"I need to check on him, he's the love of my life, he has to be alright!" Theresa argued._

_"NEVER!" Gwen screamed even louder, and then she tackled Theresa, and a catfight erupts as the two hit, kick, scratch each other, and pull each other's hair, as they go flying around the room._

"Is it just me, or does this show seem to have a ton of commercials?" Bumblebee said in annoyance as more commercials began to roll.

"What are you complaining about? I think the commercials are making more sense than the story," Bulkhead muttered. He then got up to go get another can of oil.

"I think I understand what's going on," Prowl said contemplatively. "Notice how the two female humans are acting? I believe they are acting as rivals for the man they 'love', as humans would call it. In other words, they are fighting for a mate—which is a behavior I have observed in shows about nature. Although I have never witnessed humans behaving in such a manner..." the ninja-bot looked like he had developed a renewed interest in human beings, touching his chin thoughtfully as he watched the screen, waiting for the show to come back on.

"Okay, this is kinda creepy then," Bumblebee said in reply, as Bulkhead returned to his makeshift seat with a fresh can of oil. Then the yellow robot grinned mischievously, almost like he would when he was going to do something impulsive or childish. Only in this case, it was merely the thought he expressed: "Hey anyone want to lay odds over who might win the fight?"

"Why don't we just watch and see?" Ratchet said in annoyance. "Although I don't know which I'm finding more annoying right now—watching this ridiculous show, or listening to you young bots go on about it."

"You don't have to watch it," Optimus said gently.

"Never mind, it's coming back on," Ratchet said with an indifferent shrug.

_Gwen and Theresa continued to fight, kicking and screaming, and Gwen finally tackled Theresa to the ground and began to choke her! "YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ETHAN, HE'S MINE, AND *WE* WILL BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed._

_"What's...what's going on?" a hoarse voice asked, and they both looked to see Ethan waking up._

_They both jumped up and ran towards him. "Gwen knocked you out, and is trying to kill me!" Theresa exclaimed as Ethan looked around "Because you finally believed me!"_

_"I did??" Ethan asked confusedly._

_"Uh, yes, you finally believed me about the tabloids...Gwen and Rebecca set me up....." Theresa said, getting nervous._

_"What? No! I know that was you, I'm sorry but I must not have been in my right mind...Gwen is my wife and soulmate and I know she'd never do such a thing, and I know what you did. Just stop, Theresa, I'm so sick of you." Ethan said as he went over and hugged Gwen, who just smugly smiled._

_"But...you...I...." Theresa said slowly as she started to cry again._

_"But nothing, Theresa! I'm sorry but get out!" Ethan ordered._

_Theresa then became a full fledged mess, and glared at Gwen as she looked at both. "MOMMA!" Theresa screamed before running out of the room in tears, and Ethan and Gwen kissed as suspenseful music played, and the screen faded to:_

_"ON THE NEXT PASSIONS: CLOWNS CONTINUE TO HAUNT SHERIDAN!"_

_And the credits rolled._

Ratchet had taken hold of the remote and now shut off the TV. "That has got to be one of the sickest things I've ever seen," he commented. "Although some things I saw in my youth, during the Great War, may come close to that…"

"You saw humans fighting over each other?" Bumblebee asked stupidly.

"No, just never mind!" Ratchet said, waving a hand in the air as though trying to erase his words. Then, as if desperate to change the subject, he turned to Optimus. "Prime, what did you think of that confounded show?"

"Well, I'm not sure," Optimus admitted, rising off the floor to stand. "Although if humans like this thing called 'drama', then I can see why they might enjoy this. It seems full of emotional outbursts."

"And apparently it's a to-be-continued," Bumblebee said. Sari had taught him that phrase, one that he'd learned meant that the story was over for now, but would continue another time. "So are we gonna watch the next episode when it comes on?"

"I didn't even understand _this_ episode," Bulkhead said, moping slightly. "Prowl, what did you think of it?"

"Hmmm," the ninja bot purred as he contemplated for a moment. "While I don't appreciate the loud, violent nature of the episode, I think it is interesting because it may give us an opportunity to examine the… shall we say… darker nature of humans?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bulkhead asked, draining the contents of his second oil can.

"I think he means," Optimus said slowly, "that maybe he wants to be able to watch bad humans in action with the added luxury of not having to be there to catch them."

"Not exactly," Prowl said. "What I mean is that it seems like a good opportunity to see human behaving in a way I've never seen them act before. Even the Angry Archer or Nanosec never acted like this."

"I should hope not, or I'd say they have a few screws loose somewhere," Ratchet said. Somehow he seemed rather annoyed, yet intrigued by the discussion at the same time. Otherwise, as Optimus silently deduced, the med tech wouldn't still be in the room.

"So are we gonna watch the next one tomorrow?" Bumblebee asked, and began bouncing in his seat again, rocking the couch a little.

Prowl shot the yellow bot an annoyed glance. "Can't you just be still?"

Bumblebee gave one more final bounce, then sat still and looked at the ninja. "What's the fun in that?" he asked, and gave another bounce for emphasis. "You should try it sometime!" He then stood up on the couch and began to bounce up and down on it all the harder. "Come on, I dare you to try it!"

"If this is what Earth is doing to the younger bots," Ratchet muttered out loud, "I shudder to think what would have happened if we'd come into contact with Earth and established relations a lot sooner."

"Hey this is just something I saw on TV—sometimes people bounce on the furniture, its fun!" Bumblebee said, and proceeded to bounce.

At this point, the yellow bot nearly slugged Prowl in the chest plate with one of his flailing legs. The ninja bot had been forced to roll backward and land cat-like on his feet beside the couch. Then a mischievous grin crossed his face. "So, you want me to try that too?" he said impishly, and then jumped into the air, landing in the middle of the couch with full force. Bumblebee yelped and went flying across the room, crashing into the TV.

Everyone gaped and stared as Bumblebee fell to the floor, and the TV was now a mess. The screen was shattered, and some broken circuitry was exposed, some of it sparking a little.

"Now see what you two bolt-brains have done?!" Bulkhead shouted. "You broke the television!"

"Take it easy," Optimus said. "We can get it fixed… or possibly get a new one." He then turned his attention to Prowl and Bumblebee. "As for you two, since obviously you both want to act like Earth children, you're going to be treated as such, just this once." He pointed in the direction of their quarters. "Go to your rooms."

Bumblebee's jaw dropped. "But—"

"Consider it an _order,"_ Optimus snapped. "Move it people!"

Finally, both of them complied, walking out of the room.

"Now…" Optimus sighed, walking toward the busted TV, "let's get this cleaned up." He shook his head slightly. "Looks like we won't be watching any more 'soap operas', or anything at all, for the time being."

"Ahem to the not watching of soap operas," Ratchet said.

"I wonder what's gotten into those two lately," Optimus said out loud, looking in the direction of the rooms where Prowl and Bumblebee went.

"Personality clashes," Ratchet said. "If two people who irritate each other are around each other too much, they can actually start to act like each other without even realizing it." He nodded toward the TV for emphasis. "And when I think about it… it scares me to think of what Prowl could be like if he became like Bumblebee…"


End file.
